Sunday, September 16, 2012

Vacancy

He watched her walk away
so long ago it seems
from living here today
to wallow in her dreams

so long ago it seems
she cared, but then preferred
to wallow in her dreams
though she often reassured

she cared, but then preferred
to spend her time alone
though she often reassured
her dazed detachment shone

she spent her time alone
not living here today
her dazed detachment shone
he watched her walk away.

11 comments:

Kerry O'Connor said...

This is like a mini-pantoum! I loved the effortless way you made the repeated lines take on new meaning in each successive stanza.

Mary said...

Such deep sadness expressed in this poem, as the person seems to become more and more distant and detached and alone!

Laura Maria said...

It's always sad to watch someone walk away. This is really great writing. I like the way you worked the repetition.

Poet Laundry said...

Felt a bit of heartache in this one. Nicely done.

Kim Nelson said...

I got the same pantoum sensation as Kerry. The pace and flow and rhyme-scheme keep the reader interested. The message is clear and strong.

Daydreamertoo said...

Watching someone we love walk away is heart breaking.

Serena said...

So sad... I could feel the disappointment, especially for the disparity between her words and her actions. Yes, I too liked the pantoum effect... very beautiful...

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I love the rhythm and repetition of a pantoum, which is very effective for this story. In memory, one keeps watching the person walking away, just as in your poem.

Audrey Howitt aka Divalounger said...

I felt the heartache in this, and just a really well-crafted piece

rch said...

Yes ever since reading some that were posted for a challenge I've wanted to try the pantoum, a bit sad this one, but it manifested so quickly I could barely type fast enough. Thanks so much for these generous comments.

Jack said...

I can't say anything new: fantastic read, awesome re-introducing throughout.