Saturday, January 17, 2009

Less Gone

I dreamt of Mom the other night
she was distant from me (big surprise)
and moving perpendicular to my path
at the end of a long narrow room.
I instantly recognized her
and started to increase my speed
so I could talk to her
the way we used to,
the way I wanted to that night
her charred, disfigured body
laid twitching before me
in a room that smelled
of burning death.

Continuing forward it dawned on me
that this must be a dream
and I wished that somehow it could be real
you know, as Poe so beautifully said
“A dream within a dream”
but then I remembered some dreams
turn into nightmares
from which a person can’t be roused.

Then suddenly I was right beside her
and she slowly turned…
into someone else.
An older, chubbier woman
wearing glasses with smoky lenses
stood before me
as stoic as a statue.

I had my hand out to touch her
but quickly withdrew it saying
“I’m sorry but you look just like…”

“I know – tell your sister I’m alright.”

Then I woke up.

My heart was racing, I was sweating
and my stomach was on fire
I’ve never felt the way I did that night,
it was terrifying.

Of course I told my sister when I spoke to her afterwards
and strangely enough
she had apparently been asking our mother
(talking to her share of the ashes)
if she was okay
and why she hadn’t come around
to see my niece’s new baby
that very same night I had had the dream.

Needless to say my sister is convinced
that Mom came to me,
that her spirit actually entered my mind
to relay the message.
I voiced my concern over why
she changed to someone else,
was it because I didn’t know her anymore
due to my own aloofness?
But my sister assured me
it was because she didn’t want me to see
how badly she had been injured,
that would explain the smoky glasses
for her eyes had been burned completely away.

I guess it all depends on what you believe.

I’m not sure about all the metaphysical stuff
but I do know one thing—
every night I pray before sleep takes me
that I dream of her again
real or not
so we can really talk
like we used to
and I can tell her how much I miss her
and love her.

5 comments:

Noah said...

I just read through the last few months, starting with October. My life has been hell, and I've felt yours do the same. I should be visiting more often, as this is the first home I feel I've had since my parents got divorced and its under neither's roof.

I'll have to tell you more about it some other time.

Shirley said...

Bob, this is so sad and beautiful at the same time. You've touched on the many stages of grief and how we all find our own way of coping and acceptance. Perhaps you are still in the denial stage and your Mom becoming someone else is a barrier to protect you from more than you're ready to accept right now. Then again... stranger things have happened. Sometimes I think our dreams reveal truth in small doses.

rch said...

Hi Noah, I am truly sorry. I've definitely been better but refuse to buckle. I am glad you feel at home here and hope you do stop by more and please don't ever hesitate to email me if you just want to vent or whatever. :D

I don't know Shirley I seldom dream but it was just different than any I've ever had.

Jo Janoski said...

I don't know if this is any consolation or not, but I lost my mother when I was just a teenager, and I still dream about her. In the beginning, they were troubled dreams befitting the ugly disease process that took her. But somewhere along the way, they got better. Now, when I dream, I feel like I'm touching her spirit in a beautiful and moving way, and I feel her touch me. As is the nature of dreams, it is non-verbal and highly symbolic with emotions so profound, I can't describe them with mere words. In other words, it does get better, and I think we work it out with them in our dreams, but not with words.

rch said...

Thanks Jo that means a lot to me. :)